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Do not lose heart. We were made for these times. I have heard from so many recently who are deeply and properly bewildered. They are concerned about the state of affairs in our world right now. It is true, one has to have strong cojones and ovarios to withstand much of what passes for "good" in our culture today. Abject disregard of what the soul finds most precious and irreplaceable and the corruption of principled ideals have become, in some large societal arenas, "the new normal," the grotesquerie of the week. It is hard to say which one of the current egregious matters has rocked people's worlds and beliefs more. Ours is a time of almost daily jaw-dropping astonishment and often righteous rage over the latest degradations of what matters most to civilized, visionary people. …You are right in your assessments. The lustre and hubris some have aspired to while endorsing acts so heinous against children, elders, everyday people, the poor, the unguarded, the helpless, is breathtaking. Yet ... I urge you, ask you, gentle you, to please not spend your spirit dry by bewailing these difficult times. Especially do not lose hope. Most particularly because, the fact is — we were made for these times. Yes. For years, we have been learning, practicing, been in training for and just waiting to meet on this exact plain of engagement. I cannot tell you often enough that we are definitely the leaders we have been waiting for, and that we have been raised since childhood for this time precisely. …I grew up on the Great Lakes and recognize a seaworthy vessel when I see one. Regarding awakened souls, there have never been more able crafts in the waters than there are right now across the world. And they are fully provisioned and able to signal one another as never before in the history of humankind. I would like to take your hands for a moment and assure you that you are built well for these times. Despite your stints of doubt, your frustrations in arighting all that needs change right now, or even feeling you have lost the map entirely, you are not without resource, you are not alone. Look out over the prow; there are millions of boats of righteous souls on the waters with you. In your deepest bones, you have always known this is so. Even though your veneers may shiver from every wave in this stormy roil, I assure you that the long timbers composing your prow and rudder come from a greater forest. That long-grained lumber is known to withstand storms, to hold together, to hold its own, and to advance, regardless. …We have been in training for a dark time such as this, since the day we assented to come to Earth. For many decades, worldwide, souls just like us have been felled and left for dead in so many ways over and over – brought down by naiveté, by lack of love, by suddenly realizing one deadly thing or another, by not realizing something else soon enough, by being ambushed and assaulted by various cultural and personal shocks in the extreme. We have a history of being gutted, and yet remember this especially … we have also, of necessity, perfected the knack of resurrection. Over and over again we have been the living proof that that which has been exiled, lost, or foundered – can be restored to life again. This is as true and sturdy a prognosis for the destroyed worlds around us as it was for our own once mortally wounded selves. …Though we are not invulnerable, our risibility supports us to laugh in the face of cynics who say "fat chance," and "management before mercy," and other evidences of complete absence of soul sense. This, and our having been to Hell and back on at least one momentous occasion, makes us seasoned vessels for certain. Even if you do not feel that you are, you are. Even if your puny little ego wants to contest the enormity of your soul, that smaller self can never for long subordinate the larger Self. In matters of death and rebirth, you have surpassed the benchmarks many times. Believe the evidence of any one of your past testings and trials. Here it is: Are you still standing? The answer is, Yes! (And no adverbs like "barely" are allowed here). If you are still standing, ragged flags or no, you are able. Thus, you have passed the bar. And even raised it. You are seaworthy. …In any dark time, there is a tendency to veer toward fainting over how much is wrong or unmended in the world. Do not focus on that. Do not make yourself ill with overwhelm. There is a tendency too to fall into being weakened by perseverating on what is outside your reach, by what cannot yet be. Do not focus there. That is spending the wind without raising the sails. We are needed, that is all we can know. And though we meet resistance, we more so will meet great souls who will hail us, love us and guide us, and we will know them when they appear. Didn't you say you were a believer? Didn't you say you pledged to listen to a voice greater? Didn't you ask for grace? Don't you remember that to be in grace means to submit to the voice greater? You have all the resource you need to ride any wave, to surface from any trough. …In the language of aviators and sailors, ours is to sail forward now, all balls out. Understand the paradox: If you study the physics of a waterspout, you will see that the outer vortex whirls far more quickly than the inner one. To calm the storm means to quiet the outer layer, to cause it, by whatever countervailing means, to swirl much less, to more evenly match the velocity of the inner, far less volatile core – till whatever has been lifted into such a vicious funnel falls back to Earth, lays down, is peaceable again. One of the most important steps you can take to help calm the storm is to not allow yourself to be taken in a flurry of overwrought emotion or despair — thereby accidentally contributing to the swale and the swirl. Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts — adding, adding to, adding more, continuing. We know that it does not take "everyone on Earth" to bring justice and peace, but only a small, determined group who will not give up during the first, second, or hundredth gale. …One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires ... causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these — to be fierce and to show mercy toward others, both – are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do. …There will always be times in the midst of "success right around the corner, but as yet still unseen" when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it; I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something, as do you. It is that there can be no despair when you remember why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here. The good words we say and the good deeds we do are not ours: They are the words and deeds of the One who brought us here. In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But … that is not what great ships are built for. …This comes with much love and prayer that you remember who you came from, and why you came to this beautiful, needful Earth, Clarissa Pinkola Estés
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maltaKano.add("Sold company in August",
"Yahoo Pipes",
"DorkbotDC",
"JQuery",
"OpenAerialMap",
"Multiplex Easy Star");
Looking for new stuff to play with as I wait out my two year earn-out. And I'm on a real honest-to-goodness vacation until next year, as opposed to the available-by-cell-and-email while I'm not in the office pretending to be on vacation.
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Yep, that time of the year again. I spent it in Vancouver this year and I've been having a blast.
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I have to say that the past couple of months have been emotionally difficult. Blame it on the weather, delayed post-operative depression, whatever. It was really hard to get out of bed in the morning. Work, life, it all seemed to be an endless rut that I did not want to face. Compounded by my ongoing difficulties with my legs and feet, I felt really crappy.
I dunno if its the change in the weather (its warmer now), the promise of the coming spring, or that I started coding again, but I feel much better and more positive now. Hopefully this feeling will continue.
Lettie has been gone for the past week and its forced me to go outside of the nice comfortable shell I've managed to build around myself lately. I can now see that I've been using her as a buffer since we got returned from BKK. Everyone has commented on how quiet I have been since I returned. Frankly, I felt I needed the space to recover, recollect and to get beyond the feeling of being shattered into a million pieces. My first impression from waking up in the ICU was that I was a rag doll with all the its limbs pulled out and scattered across the bed. I pretty much felt like a torso, small and broken. For two months in 2006, my life was reduced to this following routine:
- wake at 6:00 for blood withdrawal for testing,
- eat breakfast around 7-8,
- wait/sleep until 11-12 to be sedated for surgical debraidment,
- wake around 3-4,
- eat lunch/dinner 5-6,
- physical therapy 6-7,
- watch TV (HBO Asia - the only English language channel) until I could fall asleep again , typically 10-11.
- throughout the night - IV changes, blood pressure and temperature checks
I was in survival mode, doing what I could just to make it through each day. Personality, thoughts beyond my immediate physical needs, and emotions were all pushed aside for the sake of making it one more day. Traumariffic. I guess big chunks of memory were falling out over the past couple of months, and maybe they have ceased to fall for now. I can finally feel parts of my psyche and personality becoming more integrated. That awful feeling of being lost is also fading. Hopefully, as my first year post-op anniversary approaches no more unpleasant memories become dislodged. I've come a long way, and dammit I going to enjoy this life, even if it kills me.
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The year can best be summed up by:
Surgery
Complications/Hospitalization
Recovery
Four months spent in anticipation of SRS. Three months recovering from complications arising from the surgery, including coming close to dying. Five months and counting for recovery. I've had my ass seriously kicked and boy do I feel it.
Aspects of my life have changed. I've become mostly vegetarian and watch my protein intake. I also count the liters of water I drink and watch the color of my pee, all to make sure my kidneys keep functioning. I used to have very good balance, but now standing still is difficult and requires concentration. Small cuts and bruises seem to take longer to heal.
I also have scars, large scars on both legs and on both sides of the legs. The scars run the length of my leg, knee to ankle. The scars on the inside of my leg closed nicely, but the scars on the outside of my legs required skin grafts taken from my thighs and butt. More scars. An lastly, both my feet have parallel scars on top.
On the positive side, I like who I am. I look in the mirror and see myself, rather than person trying to be someone else. Much of the anger and sudden inexplicable rage is gone, though being in traffic can still irritate me mightily. I'm still together with L, she stayed with me throughout this entire ordeal, dropping everything to take care of me in Bangkok. My family is happy and together.
Was it worth it? Did I trade a reasonably healthy body for one with scars, damaged kidneys, and damaged legs and feet, all to resolve a mental dissonance? I really don't know the answer. I am grateful that I get to ponder it for a while longer.
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Back from my many travels. I was in Belgium a week ago. I saw a number of folks who haven't seen me since pre-transition days. No awkwardness, it was as if nothing had changed. My voice, which is on the low end of the female range, gave me trouble with french, a few double takes, but it was madame this and madame that for the most part.
Life seems to have gone back to normal. I'm still making progress with my legs and feet, more slowly, but there does seem to be slow but constant improvement. Christmas will soon be upon us and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at how quickly it is coming. For this year's Christmas dinner, I've ordered a turducken and I'm planning on a cajun themed dinner. Should be interesting.
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What's new?
I made a fantastic dinner for L's birthday. On the menu was a composed salad with tangerines and a balsamic vinagerette. Main course was roast duck with a fig and port sauce, polenta, and sugar snap peas. Appetizer was a goat cheese and chipotle spread drizzled with a piloncillo sauce (mexican sugar combined with heavy cream). Desert was a chocolate and almond tart served with whipped cream and raspberries. I haven't cooked like that in ages, too much fun.
After hassling with the insurance company for months, they finally came through and paid the bill for this summer's fiasco. It's really, really nice to get that off my plate and mind.
I've been going to a new physical therapist and she's really helped with improving motion in feet as well as strengthening my ankles. It really feels good to be more mobile and be less hesitant to walk or be on my feet in general.
Work continues on, I have a trip scheduled for Garland, TX (not one of favorite places to visit) this week and another to Belgium at the end of the month. I'm looking forward to the Belgium trip, I haven't been in over a year and many of the folks in the Belgian office haven't seen me post transition. It'll be good to get reacquainted again.
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It's been a while, I've been busy at work and life has returned to a semblance of normalcy. I'm feeling more human and less vegetable as time goes on. I guess my mind is finally turning back on, for a while there, I was quite happy to sit and let the white noise filter through my head.
Its odd (given all that I've been through), but I'm still somewhat surprised that people see me as unambigiously female. I still get that nagging feeling that I scream out "tranny" but I guess I don't. I'm gonna need time to get used to all the changes in my body.
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Larb, glorious larb!
On another note, I was keeping a journal before SRS and when I crashed, Lettie kept it up for a while ( Read more... )
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We flew back on the 26th, spent the night in LA and made it home by midnight of the 27th. I've been back home for four days now and the jet lag is still kicking my ass. I've been back to work as well and the best way to describe it is that there are piles of it - I guess I was missed.
Nina flew back yesterday, so our little family is back together again. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
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Yay! We're flying out of Bangkok tomorrow. We'll stay overnight in Los Angeles, then back home late sunday. I've been here for almost 4 months and I'm so ready to go back.
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Snaaaaakes on a plane!
We went and watched it at the Siam Paragon theatre in the deluxe theatre seats. The movie was enjoyable enough, much more so than Pirates of the Carribean, but the theatre was super luxe.
You get a reclining lazyboy, a pillow, a blanket, complimentary drinks, and a massage after the movie. I'm gonna miss this stuff.
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Jabba the monkey.
Today was the field trip to Lop Buri, a town two and a half hours from Bangkok. Lop Buri is famous (among other things) for monkeys in temples and in the ruins.
L really likes monkeys, so we all had a good time feeding the little monsters and watching them do their thing.
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Crocodile farm!
We went to the crocodile farm on thursday and played goofy tourists. We saw things you would never see on the US, such as a monkey knife fight. Definitely would get PETA up in arms.
What else? I'm really getting into the whole podcast thing. Sure I'm a couple of years late to this party, but I guess I should get used to being on trailing edge of techno crap. It just doesn't matter to me as much as it used to.
I continue to feel like a blank slate.
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I figured out how to pull down the mp3s from streaming audio sites that use a m3u playlist and automate it with a shell script. I feel a little bad about it, but they were available for listening. And now I can listen to them on my iPod. RA files next, but I'll need to compile a stream ripper.
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Before leaving for Bangkok I got a MacBook Pro and a 5G iPod. I really didn't have much time fool with either before leaving and of course I've been a bit preoccupied for the past few months. I'm finally getting the chance to start playing with them.
Today, I figured out how to transfer DVDs and other video files. I used HandBrake to rip a DVD of Seven Samurai to the iPod's wierdo version of mp4. I also used ISquint to rip the BSG episodes on my Mac to iPod format. I've must have seen every episode several times now, but I still find them compelling. Now I can watch them without the notebook.
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Today we went hunting for gifts for folks back home. I've been to several of Bangkok mega malls before, but at the time I was more preoccupied with staying upright to enjoy the experience. We went to Mah Boon Krong or MBK which is next to Thailand's premiere university which gives it a strong Thai flavor, despite a large number of foreigners (farangs) at the mall, in comparison to some of the other mega malls. Wow, in addition to the Thai stuff - we picked up Thai silk, carved teak handicrafts, and some cool obscure t-shirts (Ben's purchases) - MBK is knock-off heaven. Yours truly indulged and picked up a Dolce & Gabbana purse and a Chanel wallet. Lettie did a packing dry run when we got back to make sure we have room for all this stuff. Ack.
One of the things I continually see is the wide variety of Thai people. Walking through MBK, I really didn't see a stereotypical Thai person. In contrast, it was really easy to figure out the nationalities of tourists very quickly; the Aussies, the Germans, the Brits, the French, the Itaians, the Americans seemed to easily fall into stereotypes quite easily. The diversity of Thai phenotypes seems quite high.
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Bangkok is mind boggling. I've been getting out more and each time I'm amazed at the flow of people, traffic, and stuff. The contrasts can be amazing, luxury homes with street vendors out front. Ritzy shopping malls next to sois filled with shacks and more street vendors that look like they live there, wedding shops next to metal fabrication shops, tailors next to furniture makers. Makes my head spin.
Dr. Chet found a new physical therapist for me at the new hospital (Piyavate), so I have physical therapy bright and early tomorrow. The program is for compression to reduce the swelling on my feet, massage to breakup the fibroids that have formed on my leg muscles and electrical stimulation to retrain my muscles that have forgetten how to contract correctly. Physical therapy plus yoga three times a week should keep me pretty busy. By the way, Piyavate is a pretty swanky hospital compared to the Vibraham (where I was).
I have comment on the amount of attention that Dr. Chet and Tair (Dr. Chet's wife) continue to spend on me. While in the hospital somebody from Dr. Chet's office, often Tair, visited me daily to check on me and see how I was doing. Sometimes it was just to chat and say hello. Now that I'm out of the hospital, they call several times a week and continue to monitor my vitals and progress. The care I have received is nothing short of phenomenal. In contrast, I've already started searching for a physical therapist near my house because I know that it can easily take a month before I can book an appointment, so I'm trying to bok an appointment now. The way that the US healthcare system works is appalling.
Work continues on, its all coming back ... all the mundane details and other minutiae that I have commited to memory. On one hand its kinda nice that its like riding a bike, on the other hand my life in the states looms closer, and not in a pleasant way. Old responsibilities beckon, problems left unresolved before Bangkok are still there, new problems have surfaced, same old, same old. Guess I need a plan before I go back. Old habits die hard.
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Life is settling into a pattern. I've been working and that means that I stay in touch with my office on the east coast. Here being Bangkok and there being DC, there's a 13 hour difference. So my work day starts around 6:00 PM BKK time and I usually turn in past midnight. Not quite 3rd shift vampire hours bt close enough that I'm needing a nap in the afternoon. Good thing I have the luxury of napping.
Called China Air to check for earlier flights and once again no dice. So the count down continues. I stopped by the tailor Lettie used to knock off a Prada suit, pants and skirts and I'm gonna have some new trousers made. Everything I have is now several sizes too big and falling off of me. I need to find the fabric for them, so we're going out this week and looking for some tropical wools.
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